Pokémon Go may have already overtaken Tinder and be creeping up on Twitter, but look up from catching that Dratini for just a second and pay attention! If you think finding a dead body during a stroll is bad, here are 12 Pokémon conspiracies that might just ruin your childhood – from mass genocide to possessed PokéBalls, the Pokémon fans sure have a warped mind when it comes to the cute pocket monsters. Whilst we patiently await Pokémon Sun & Moon, here is a run down of some of the craziest theories to come out of the long grass in the past 20 years…tin foil hats at the ready!
1. War Of The Worlds
Wow, there sure are a lot of children wandering around here, maybe it is because adults playing with anthropomorphic monsters is a bit weird, or maybe it is something all together more sinister! There is a theory that our heroes are left to potter around unsupervised because there simply aren’t enough adults around following a ‘Great War’. In fact, this one is so widely accepted, the theory has theories about the theory! It all comes from what Lt. Surge says to you way back when:
Hey kid! What do you think you’re doing here? You won’t live long in combat!
That’s for sure! I tell you what kid, electric Pokèmon saved me during the war!
Are Surge’s words just a coincidence? Well, let’s look at the facts. In the original games you play Red (you have no father), and your rival is an orphan. Most of the adults you meet are either very old, gym leaders, or have a military background. At this point, you realise there was the Great Kanto War, where the majority of adults were killed off! This would also explain the alarming amount of nurses and hospitals, plus why everyone is constantly battle-ready.
No, this isn’t a case for David Boreanaz, this is the rather grim tale of Cubone and its rather unusual headwear. When a mother Kangaskhan dies, the poor orphan is left to fend for itself. The orphan wears its mothers skull and becomes Cubone – when Cubone evolves into Marowak, the skull fuses with the head. Female (and only female) Marowaks can later evolve into Kangaskhans and the cycle starts again. The morbid theory hypothesises that as Pokémon is a kid’s game, this story was too much to take and so Kangaskhan was separated into its own form. You can go on to back up the theory with the fact that Kangaskhan relates to the word ‘kangaroo’ and Cubone knows the move ‘boomerang’…struth Sheila! There in a nine -minute video here for those who want to go into greater depth!
3. Koff It Up
Team Rocket’s Pokémon choices were never going to be the best of the bunch, but a big purple ballooon…really?!? Both Koffing/Weezing can only be found in the Pokémon Mansion – an abandoned lab from the original games, so what was T.R. up to in there? Reddit tells us that evil Team rocket were trying to recreate a ghost-type Pokémon by cloning their gaseous forms. Whatever they were cooking up in there, it looks like they ballsed it up, ending up with two gaseous fart bags instead of the intended ghost-type. Also, if you look at the skull and cross-bones on the Pokémon’s chests, it would suggest man-made. The symbol is the universal mark for toxic, so unless Koffing/Weezing have some pretty clever birth marks, it looks like someone made them this way!
4. Million Dollar Bill
Think before you heal! Ever wonder how the Poké-Center will heal your Pokémon and let you go on your way without so much as a dime? Sure, we have Obamacare, but what pays to keep the lights running and the Nurse Joys joyful? You may just be a child, so you aren’t going to foot the bill, but someone has to! Enter mommy dearest. As you trot around having the adventure of your life, your mom waits at home as the bills pile up. Now not only a widow, but in over her head with hospital bills!
5. Ground Zero
Whilst Pokémon Go is currently getting itself into hot water for people collecting at the 9/11 memorial, this isn’t first time the games have caused controversy at Ground Zero. If great wars and bankrupting your mother weren’t bad enough, how about a Poké-world where 9/11 still happened, thanks to the twisted theory sets the Black and white games in a post-9/11 aftermath. The theory is so controversial, Cracked did an article including it in ‘The 9 Most Offensive 9/11 References in Pop Culture’. Director Junichi Masuda even revealed that the Unova was based on New York City, but was the mistake intentional? You can clearly see Unova’s pond match up to Central Park, but what about that desolate wasteland in the middle…is this Ground Zero?
6. Mew Gotta Be Kidding Me?
What would you rather be, a wobbly blob of jelly, or the rarest Pokémon of them all? Sure, Ditto can mimic the other 721 Pokémon, but by all accounts this little sludge monster is a failed clone of Mew. Mew contains the DNA of all other Pokémon and can reproduce asexually…you know who else can do that?!? Ditto! If you still aren’t convinced, both share nearly identical colour palettes, have a common weight of 8.8.lbs and are the only two Pokémon who can learn the transform move naturally. The difference is that Mew in incredibly rare, whilst Ditto is in abundance on Cinnabar island, could the experiments have escaped the lab? Ditto isn’t exactly a positive case for cloning – it is Dolly the Sheep all over again.
7. Clefable The Friendly Ghost
The ghost Pokémon have always provided us with more questions than answers, like are they just other Pokémon in dead form? There are some pretty great theories, like that Voltorb is simply a possessed Poké-ball after a Haunter became trapped inside, however, our favourite ghost theory is Clefable and Gengar. Ever noticed how Gengar and Clefable look oddly similar? Well Creepypasta has cracked the mystery – your angry Gengar is just a Clefable shadow! Known as the shadow Pokémon has lead people to ask, “Just what is Gengar the shadow of?” Not quite as simple as Peter Pan and his shadow, but Gengar bears more than a slight resemblance to the giant Kirby wannabe. To put the icing on the cake, before the release of Pokémon X and Y, both Gengar and Clefable were unable to hit each other with STAB attack…have you ever tried to stab your shadow?
8. The Missingno-Link
An abbreviation of ‘missing number’, Missingno was the more than helpful glitch in the original games. Aside from the joy of getting one over on the game and giving you unlimited Master Balls or Rare Candy, Nintendo actually acknowledged the existence of the mystery Pokémon. It is believed that Missingno was an underdeveloped Pokémon that creators tried to remove from the game, but ultimately got stuck in the code. A more disturbing theory is that a Missingo is what happens to a Pokémon when it spends an extended amount of time trapped in its Pokéball, which would also explain why Pikachu is so reluctant to go inside.
9. Fly Me To The Moon
Of all the places to visit in the Pokémon world, Mt. Moon is one of the strangest, but also most rewarding locations in the Kanto region. Who can pass up on finding a Helix Fossil, or grabbing a Moon Stone, but where did it all come from? Some people hold that Mt. Moon was once an active volcano, hence all the Pompeii style fossils. However, I always prefer the theory that Clefairies came from space and populated the mountain. The Clefairies landed in their spaceship and brought their precious Moon Stones with them to feel more like home.
10. You Rock My World
So, in Reddit’s warped world, gym leader/travelling companion Brock is in fact Pokémon’s very own Medusa – cursed with the mystic eyes of a Gorgon. If you have ever wondered why Brock’s eyes always appear closed, it is because he has the ability to turn you to stone. The wacky doesn’t stop there – ‘Medusa Brock’ also explains why he is the owner of the rock gym and would imply that Onix was never actually a rock-type.
The theory does tend to lose traction though, as on several occasions you see Brock open his eyes. Just like above, Officer Jenny manages to escape rock free. Another joker says that maybe Brock’s eyes always look closed because he is constantly being maced for his advances on women!
11. R.I.P Raticate
Finally, these last two take the conspiracies to an all together darker area of the Poké-world (you have been warned). Back to the original games and oh, this guy again! Blue/Gary Oak was a pain in the backside of the Pokémon games, always popping up with a Bulbasaur to whip your Squirtle just when you least expected it. With some cunning tactics and a well stocked Poké-army, Blue wasn’t that hard to defeat. Blue’s Ratatta is at the forefront of his battle team all the way up until your fight on the S.S. Anne, where it becomes a Lv.16, newly evolved, Raticate – think of the pride on your rival’s face with his sparkly new Raticate.
You (obviously) kick his ass and carry on with your luxury cruise. The next time Blue pops up, where is Raticate? When you meet after the S.S. Anne it is in Lavender Town, the last resting place for dead Pokémon – in the madness of the cruise and overcrowding, Blue/Gary couldn’t get Raticate to a Pokémon Center in time and he passed away. Why the S.S. Anne wouldn’t have somewhere to heal on board is beyond me, but if it didn’t, and Raticate really did die, are you the game’s ultimate douchebag?!? Redditor WideEyedEspurr has since gone on to debunk the popular theory, mainly pointing out a kids game is unlikely to paint the main hero as a rat-squashing killer!
12. Grey’s Ashatomy
The first rule of storytelling is that it is never just a dream. Finally, for the biggest mindf**k of all theories and one that is pulled straight from the pages of some St. Elsewhere storyline – the whole series is taking place in Ash’s coma. After Ash is attacked by a group of Spearows, then struck by lightning during Ep. 1, he is rushed to the nearest hospital, but never wakes up. All those he meets on his travels represent a part of his life. Brock is his repressed sexuality, Pikachu his humanity and Team Rocket the parts of himself that he doesn’t like. Like the constants from LOST, Jenny and Joy were two women he knew before his accident, helping him remain grounded as he travels further into his own coma psyche.
Mewtwo, everyone’s favourite psychic cat, is an electronic impulse that the doctors apply to Ash’s brain to help bring him from the coma – this is how Mewtwo is able to ‘talk’. Coma theory also nicely explains why all the Jenny and Joy’s are all the same, as well as why Ash never ages, or accomplishes becoming a Pokémon master. Probably the most easily debunked of all the theories, but the one which ties up the lose ends that the other theories leave as question marks Maybe all of Pokémon takes place inside a young boy’s snow globe?
Aside from the may ghosts and goblins, the world of Pokémon can be a pretty scary place – it appears you can’t go for a cycle without ending up locked in a coma, or fighting a great war. Why can’t everyone just go back to swapping shiny Charizards and trying to train an unruly Pikachu. Ok, article over, back to discovering Dugtrios in the maternity ward and Sandshrews down your pants in Pokémon Go.